Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Untitled...

Untitled... why? Because my eloquence has escaped me. I can't think of a fitting title and I don't want to waste my time trying because it's time to vent. I have hit the point in the stages of my grief where I am angry. I'm angry that I didn't get to feel your heart beat on my chest for even one minute. I'm angry that there are moms out there who have had miracle babies live for days, weeks, even months in their arms and I didn't get one second. I'm angry that you didn't stay for our last eleven weeks together. I'm angry that Christmas will be without you, that every second I live forever is without you.

Of course I'm not angry with you. Under all my anger is so much pain that is stabbing me in the heart with every breath. That pain is intensified by the most indescribable love I have for you, and the hurt becomes unbearable at times. The loss I've endured in my life, though difficult and awful, is nothing compared to you leaving, and no one feels it quite the way I do. Your dad hurts, your brothers hurt, your family hurts, but they didn't carry you and it's not the same. Dallas always wants to tell me how much he misses you, and I want to let him but it peels another layer off my heart each time he brings you up. It's not that I'm trying to forget you. I'll never forget you. We have designated a special time at bedtime where we will talk to you every night. Sometimes we might smile, sometimes we might cry, but we know you're listening and that brings a mighty comfort.

I went to the doctor today for my post-partum check up... the anxiety I felt walking into that office was ten times what I felt when I walked in after your diagnosis. Women with babies in their arms and bellies. I am so jealous of them. It's a selfish and inappropriate jealousy, because these women are happy and healthy and that's wonderful for them, but unfair for me. I have lost twenty pounds, but gained only three when you were with me, which puts me at negative seventeen. It takes all my strength to wake up in the morning, let alone put food in my mouth. I feel a crazy person, and if you looked in my purse, you'd certainly think I am. Bottles of medication, your blanket that I can't let go of. My doctor wants me to take antidepressants, but I am fighting it. Maybe it's time to stop fighting. If it might help, I'm willing to try it.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can write a happy, hopeful entry here. Today just isn't that day, and I know you understand. It will come, and that is what keeps me going.

I miss you more every day, my sweet angel baby. I hope God is holding you as tight as I would be if you were back in my arms.

Mommy <3

"You’ll get over it…” It’s the clich├ęs that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?”

- Jeanette Winterson, Written On The Body

(Painted for us by my beautiful and talented friend Holly Wahlstrom)

8 comments:

  1. Honey you will never get over your loss but you will get through it. Don't be afraid of antidepressants. They do help. Don't think about tomorrow.....just get through today. Life can change in an instant so don't lose focus on what you do have. Take each moment and live it to its fullest. Never miss a chance to love on those you love. Otherwise you all lose. In the prayers of a sister in Christ who has suffered loss and is coming through on the other side.

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  2. Brings tears to my face.. I'm glad you share the bad with the good days. Know there are people strangers even that are by your side. I wish I could ease your pain but nothing can ever do that. Hang in there and find comfort in your son and your husband <3

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  3. I'm so so sorry that anyone has to experience such pain as to lose a child. My son was born on Dec. 10, 2003, healthy and full of life. On Dec.5, 2005 he was involved in a tragic accident, due to defaulted air bag his neck was broken, he was airlifted to Children's hospital...They ran all test they could do but there were still no hoe, he had no brain activities, and they waited the amount of time and ran more testing but No change...so I by myself had to make a the decision to take the life support off him.. I never experienced such pain in my heart!! The next day on the 7th funeral arrangements were made, then on the 8th (which is also my nieces bday), she is two days older than my son, we had the visitation, then the 9th, we had his funeral and the 10th his birthday!! He wld have turned 2yrs old.. it was 7 yrs ago this week he was and wldve been 9yrs old yesterday! Every year that has passed, I have relived those days as it was happening for real, just like it happened 7yrs ago. I still have major anger issues and not understanding why he had to go! In a mother's point of view it will never be fair!! There shldnt be such pain as a mother losing a child...NO ONE deserves that feeling of loss, emptiness, and pain. it changes your life, you start a whole new one to learn to live with...and learn to live with the emptiness and pain as a piece of you is taken and can't be replaced.. there's no better place for a child than their mother!!! I can say this.. it's a beginning of a new life and not only dealing with your loss, you look and see things way different than before, and a lot of times you'll feel so alone..!! I can tell, you may not see it now, but you are very strong and you have been such an inspiration to me...you've written things in just a few months that I've been trying to explain for 7yrs on how I feel...it's like you take words straight outta my mouth.! Plz go and get something for depression, I did. sometimes we havta have something as a jump start, just try something mild just to see if you feel a difference, your still a mommy and they need your love too! Youve got a precious angel as well as I do to watch over us.

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  4. My sweet Emilee, I wish I could take away you pain but I can't but losing a child hurts like nothing that ever can be explained. I will tell you that I had/have to take antidepressants and they will help so you can cope through the day. I am so proud that you and Dallas have special time for Leila, it is healing for both of you, through it might not feel like it. Know that you are in my prayers and I encourage you to continue to look to the Lord & if needed talk to your pastor. It is fine that you carry Leila blanket with you as that is normal sweetie. What is normal, whatever it takes to get you through a minute, hour, night,....Love yall from Texas sweetie!! Julie

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  5. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. But you do have one thing that can comfort your loss. You have your husband who will do anything for you and you have your other child. Be strong if you need the medications take them. After I had my middle child I went through postpartum depression, I thought it would be the end of the world if I had to take them but I took them. It helped so much, I got my life back and I was able to be the mother to my children that I needed and wanted to be. We will be praying for you and your family but please be strong, I know it is hard but you have another child that is depending on you. Get the help you need to pull you through this even if it means to go to a counselor. No one will judge you. Your family will be there by your side and they will help you be strong. Peace be with you.

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  6. Emilee took her own life, She is in heaven snuggling Leila. I feel so bad, I wish she could have hung on for Dallas.

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  7. I started reading this blog, and I have cried so hard! I wish I could have known you personally Emilee! You went through so much pain, but you always seemed to have a light at the end of that tunnel. My heart hurts for you, your husband, and mostly your son! I don't know how exactly you decided to leave this world, but I hurt for you as though I was there with you! My heart , my thoughts, my prayers, and live go out to you and your family and everyone who loved you so dearly!! RIP sweet girls <3

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  8. Emilee,
    It's been 30 days since you left us. This is the first time I have seen your blog since. Reading this post has brought tears to my eyes. My heart has a hole in it that will never be whole again. I know why you took your life, but I still can't believe that the pain was worth losing your life. I've prayed for Dallas, he is such a good kid. He is strong and will get through this rough patch. I miss you so much Emilee. I will always remember your smile and laugh. You will never be forgotten!

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