Saturday, December 1, 2012

A Message from a Broken Heart

One week ago, you left us. My belly, my arms and my heart are empty, I miss you with such fierceness that there are moments when I don't even know how to breathe.

As I was driving home this morning from taking Will to work, I had a million thoughts in my head. A thousand things I wanted to write, and now as I sit here, I can't manage to remember any of them. I'm trying to keep myself busy with cleaning, running errands, I even went out with friends last night... the last thing I remember is falling asleep in Will's arms with tears running down my face. Nothing is taking this pain away.

Because my head is in such a fog, I am going to write my thoughts out a little differently that I typically would. I am not going to elaborate on each thought as I usually do... I just need to get them out of my head and onto paper. These thoughts are raw and honest, and not pretty. This is my broken heart speaking:

I know you are free from pain and suffering, but I am not. It's not fair. I want to grow a pair of wings and join you. Not a moment passes where you are not my main focus.

I miss you holding you in my arms. A day was not enough. I am carrying around the blanket you were wrapped in like I'm a toddler. It comes with me in my purse when I leave. It comes with me to bed at night.

I cannot eat more than a few bites of food. My appetite is non-existent, though I have found my appetite for alcohol has grown. It's not healthy. I cannot allow myself to abuse substances to numb the hurt. They work, but only briefly and I have a life and a family to care for.

I am not the same person I was before I lost you. My heart is in a million pieces and will never be put back together the same way.

I hate that all that is left of you is ashes. Your urn is beautiful, I carry you in a dove on my necklace, but I wish it was you and not just what remains of you.

I don't see me when I look in the mirror. I see a woman with swollen, puffy, bloodshot eyes that make-up cannot hide. Her skin is pale, she looks worn and tired. That woman doesn't smile much either.

I feel like I am failing my son, your big brother who loves you dearly.. He needs so much love right now and it needs to come from me, but I haven't been able to pull myself together. I don't want him to see me cry all the time. I want him to keep being a child, and play and have fun... but I'm not quite ready to join him.

I have so much to do, and I don't want to do any of it. I don't even want to get out of bed and shower some days. The world does not stop turning just because mine did, and I want to pause time so I can just be.

I'm dreading your services tomorrow. I know they will be beautiful, and there will be so much love in that church, but I want them to be perfect. You deserve perfection. I'm also dreading it because I feel like it is closing a chapter and I am not ready to close. Soon, people will stop sending messages of hope and kind words, people will begin to forget about us and your story as time goes on. Leila, please know that time will NEVER take you out of my head or heart.

I love this photo. I was happy. I had you with me. 


I miss you. I need you. I love you. I'm broken. Please be by my side.






15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry..... I can't even begin to imagine the agony and heartache you're experiencing. I'd like to say it gets better, time heals all things. I've never dealt with losing a child so I can't sit here and feed you those lines. Even tho I'm sure there is some degree of truth in them. All I can say is you're in my prayers, everyday. I don't even know you but I think about you and your family a lot. My heart just breaks for you everytime I read your blog. I pray for strength, mercy, healing and God's loving embrace to surround you all and bring you thru this. Please know that you've touched so many people, and are so inspirational. I pray that you find peace and comfort <3

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  2. We won't ever forget about you... We will be here for you as long as you need it. Take time for yourself to 'just be'... your son will understand some day. You and your husband need time to heal... I am so sorry that I can't take the pain away and no one else can.. my heart aches for you in a way that I can't explain. Please ask for help if I can do anything. Anything at all. You're in my thoughts.

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  3. Tears streaming down my face, reading my thoughts typed by you... I will never forget you, never forget your awesome daughter, never forget this heartbreaking pain of having a baby you don't get to keep. Thinking of you, praying for your family, knowing that thinking of others is sort of helping me. Take your time. I wish the world would just stop, too... not ready to go through this month. I hope and pray your support system is strong. <3

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  4. It won't ever get easier, it will get softer as time goes by. The raw edged grief will be a little smoother. Tomorrow is not the end of everyone remembering your daughter, tomorrow is just a time for everyone to get together and feel the love they have for your family. I don't know you in real life only through this site, but I wish I could give you a big hug.

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  5. Leila's story will never be forgotten in my life I promise you that. I hate that you have had to endure so much pain and I wish I could take it from you. I will never forget her or your family.

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  6. OH Em, my heart is breaking for you and the tears are running down my face for you to ever think that we will forget you much less our precious Leila! Yes I said ours as that is how I feel and will always feel. Tears are good for the soul and for helping to acknowledge your grief, it is so natural sweetie. Big D does need you and it is OK to let him see you cry, as he knows you are sad and that his baby sister is with God. I read today where a lady takes her kids out at night and look for the brightest star and they tell their cousin goodnight - that might be the thing to do with D - something you can all share. Tomorrow is going to be hard but know that people are praying everywhere. Not all of us can "be there" but we will be there. I love the idea to light a candle tomorrow for Leila & take a picture and post it on facebook page Love for Leila Grace. God has you and Leila and have brought so many people together in prayer and in love - neither of you will ever be forgotten! Keep your smile on for Leila tomorrow and the family go out and look for that brightest star, I will too, and tell Leila good night! Julie

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  7. I have been following your journey ever since one of my friends has posted a link to your story and I have cried along with every post. I can't pretend I know the sorrow you have in your heart and the loss that you feel. All I can do is offer you a hug from a stranger through a screen. Let your son see you cry. I know that being a mommy means we feel our kids need to see us strong at all times, but really, we are allowed to have moments of weakness. Cry together. Let your husband cry with you as well. Do not feel that you are limited on the time you are allowed to grieve. Dress up nicely, look at yourself in the mirror and hold on to that dove and talk to her. Know that she will always be with you. Don't feel guilty about carrying around the blanket but maybe you could do something like a shadow box for it eventually? Have it next to her urn. Take your time. I know that when my friend had her stillborn the hospital had a list of support groups for them to go to and that helped her so much. But know she will be there and a baby knows the love of the mother even when they are not born outside of the womb.

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  8. There are no right words or words that will comfort you. That is something that comes in time. I feel so blessed as I am able to be a mommy again and enjoy all of the moments that my beautiful 4 month old son has to offer me. When I read stories like yours, it makes me more appreciative of these times. I will pray for comfort for youand your family. Just know that even though we dont know you, we have love for you.

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  9. Many prayers are being sent your way. The pain of losing a baby will never leave but it will get a little easier to deal with daily. 2 years today, I lost twins and it still hurts like the day it happen but it's a little easier to smile through the day. Hug your little boy. It's ok to let him see you cry. We are praying for your family. Leila was beautiful and is dancing with Jesus now smiling down on you.

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  10. This is so sad I am so sorry for your loss. I could not imagine this pain. Always remember she is always looking over you and your loved ones smiling listening to your every thought, always listening and loving you guys. She is with the Lord now in AMAZING HANDS comforting her. I used to blame my drinking on my Father's passing and how it was a way to "numb" it for awhile. I went on drinking and living a reckless life this way. Then I connected on a different level with God and realized that I was blaming my drinking on my Father's death, like it was his fault or the loss of him was at fault for my sickness. ABSOLUTELY NOT it was my own selfish behavior and I prayed to God and my Father saying I was sorry and I never wanted to blame my substance problem on him (in a very big way I was) and that was horrible, I didn't want my Daddy looking down on me seeing me drink my life away because I was to sad because of what happened to him. I have now since come to terms with his passing and have done the proper talking and grieving I needed to. I always talk to him now and laugh when something happens that reminds me of him, or when I see something amazing that just cant be explained (but besides he is letting me know it is ok and he is ALWAYS with me). It will take some time but I know you will get through this and ALWAYS know she already knew you and your loved ones inside and out and she will always be looking over you and always listening to what you want to tell her. <3

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  11. I will not ever forget em. I will never forget you or our friendship or our love. Im so sorry. Im so so sorry my em. I love you.

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  12. I will never forget. You and your family have changed my life. I'm so sorry.

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  13. May God bless your soul and fill your family's hearts with his presence and love. your precious baby girl is in your arms once more....

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  14. Emilee, my heart is so broken by your tragic story. We were very good friends as children, and I (I'm sure others that weren't close friends with you) kept up with the updates on Lila. I know you were an extremely kind, loving, and compassionate person and you MUST have been going though something that no one will ever understand in order to leave Dallas behind, especially since I remember your heartbreak about your mother when we were children. :((( I heart aches for you, your little boy and family.

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