Just typing your name fills my eyes with tears. My tears are for happiness, that I get to spend my holidays carrying you and loving you. They are also tears of sadness, that this will be the only winter season we will get to spend together. You birthday is getting closer with each second. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your little face, and am scared breathless of the moment I will have to let you go. I'm reminded daily by the people who love us that I am strong and brave, but I've really never felt so small. How will I ever say goodbye to you? How will this world keep turning when you leave it? The phrase "Life Goes On" is really hard to believe these days.
There are so many things I wanted to teach you. To do with you. To share with you. You are your daddy's and my first little girl. We were ready to paint walls pink, to fill drawers with tutus and bows. Your dad wanted you to learn the rules of football (because I can't seem to grasp them) and cheer his teams on with him. Your brothers looked forward to rocking you to sleep and chasing the boys away. I'm so so sorry that you will not be here for these things. My heart breaks at the thought of how short your life will be, and how many experiences we will not have together.
But what about the things you have taught me? The lessons I have learned in the short time I have had with you are some I may have never learned without you, and I cannot thank you enough.
- Unconditional love: A love that is so strong, my heart can hardly hold it (don't worry, I've managed to squeeze it in). A love that prevails over any obstacle, unplanned trial and rainy day.
- Selflessness: Some people wonder why I have put myself through the pain and consequences of this pregnancy, emotionally and physically, for a child that will not survive in our world. Because that child is MY child, and honey, I would gain 100 pounds and endure a week long labor for five minutes with you.
- Acceptance: To truly believe that God has a plan for me, and for you, and to turn this journey over to Him. To understand that I am only given a life I'm capable of living, and even more precious, been entrusted a life that is so fragile and important because He believes I am equipped.
- Appreciation for the little things: Some of my favorite time are the quiet ones at night where I can lie in bed and watch you dance around in my belly. It's almost a game; you will move all about and as soon as I look down, you stop! I believe with all my being that you are able to comprehend more than medicine says you can. You respond to my voice, to sound and movement. In a normal, healthy pregnancy, I wouldn't be nearly as thankful for that. You are truly a miracle.
Forgive me for crying as mush as I do. I know you would much rather I smile, but some days that is a very difficult task. Please continue to remind me every day of why I chose to accept this beautiful, heart wrenching challenge and the smiles will come.
I love you more than I ever imagined I could. You are one special little girl, and I'm so lucky you be your mother.
Always and forever,