Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A Letter to My Baby Girl

My dear, sweet baby Leila Grace:

Just typing your name fills my eyes with tears. My tears are for happiness, that I get to spend my holidays carrying you and loving you. They are also tears of sadness, that this will be the only winter season we will get to spend together. You birthday is getting closer with each second. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your little face, and am scared breathless of the moment I will have to let you go. I'm reminded daily by the people who love us that I am strong and brave, but I've really never felt so small. How will I ever say goodbye to you? How will this world keep turning when you leave it? The phrase "Life Goes On" is really hard to believe these days.

There are so many things I wanted to teach you. To do with you. To share with you. You are your daddy's and my first little girl. We were ready to paint walls pink, to fill drawers with tutus and bows. Your dad wanted you to learn the rules of football (because I can't seem to grasp them) and cheer his teams on with him. Your brothers looked forward to rocking you to sleep and chasing the boys away. I'm so so sorry that you will not be here for these things. My heart breaks at the thought of how short your life will be, and how many experiences we will not have together.

But what about the things you have taught me? The lessons I have learned in the short time I have had with you are some I may have never learned without you, and I cannot thank you enough.
  • Unconditional love: A love that is so strong, my heart can hardly hold it (don't worry, I've managed to squeeze it in). A love that prevails over any obstacle, unplanned trial and rainy day.
  • Selflessness: Some people wonder why I have put myself through the pain and consequences of this pregnancy, emotionally and physically, for a child that will not survive in our world. Because that child is MY child, and honey, I would gain 100 pounds and endure a week long labor for five minutes with you.
  • Acceptance: To truly believe that God has a plan for me, and for you, and to turn this journey over to Him. To understand that I am only given a life I'm capable of living, and even more precious, been entrusted a life that is so fragile and important because He believes I am equipped.
  • Appreciation for the little things: Some of my favorite time are the quiet ones at night where I can lie in bed and watch you dance around in my belly. It's almost a game; you will move all about and as soon as I look down, you stop! I believe with all my being that you are able to comprehend more than medicine says you can. You respond to my voice, to sound and movement. In a normal, healthy pregnancy, I wouldn't be nearly as thankful for that. You are truly a miracle.
We have a little less than three months left together, if all goes as planned. In the last week or two, our time has been threatened with worry that we may not get that full three months, but I will stay hopeful that the Lord will bless us with that time. I will also be hopeful that we will be granted even a little time on this earth together. If the remainder of this journey does take some unexpected turns, I pray for the strength to remain flexible and accepting. You are safe in God's hands. As I carry you, he carries me, and we have to trust in Him.

Forgive me for crying as mush as I do. I know you would much rather I smile, but some days that is a very difficult task. Please continue to remind me every day of why I chose to accept this beautiful, heart wrenching challenge and the smiles will come.

I love you more than I ever imagined I could. You are one special little girl, and I'm so lucky you be your mother.

Always and forever,
Mommy


5 comments:

  1. Emilee,
    You made me cry because you wrote such a beautiful letter. Leila Grace is such a lucky girl to have such a loving & faithful mother. Have a great THANKSgiving & make wonderful memories!

    Julie

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  2. Emilee,
    Your letter so touched my heart. I believe that God has plans for all of us during our lives to help us to grow our faith. I am keeping all of you in my prayers, as well as my neice who is going through the same thing you are.
    God Bless and may he give you peace as you walk through this.

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  3. Beautiful letter. I lost my son too soon and writing letters has been so good for me. She will continue to impact you and so many around you for years to come. Lots of prayers coming your way.
    Mariah

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  4. Such a beautiful letter written from the heart. Leila Grace was only with you a short time, but her memory will stay with you forever. I too went through a similar situation. Prayers and loving support from family and friends are what helped get me through the tough spots, but you'll never forget your precious little girl. You'll always have a special spot in your heart for Leila Grace even if you have a dozen children. I now have 3 grown children who are healthy and happy with families of their own, but there isn't a day goes by that I don't remember and think about the little one I lost. My thoughts, love and prayers are with you and the rest of your families. Trust in God to see you through this tough period of your life.

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  5. I wish you could of gone back and read your own entries to find the strength to get you through this.
    So positive until the very very end, which is what makes this so shocking and painful.

    RIP beautiful girls, watch out for your boys!

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